Spray That Again?

In spite of the fact that last weekend was one of the most horrendous I have had in a long time (more about that in another post), I decided to keep the appointment I had made to have a spray tan.

I am fair skinned and happen to tan quite well, but there are a few good reasons why I choose not to sunbed, or sunbathe in order to tan.

1# I have literally hundreds of moles all over my body. Apparently this is a sign of potential longevity. However, I imagine that if I took these bad boys out in the sun on a regular basis, they would be more likely to turn into a ticking timebomb. So I don't.

2# Years of bodding about in the sun with no sunblock has given me a very crepey looking neck and upper chest. In fact, it looks like I've pinched them off a woman 30 years my senior. This, coupled with with the fact that my second pregnancy has left me with a little bit of pigmentation on my upper lip, bearing more than a passing resemblance to a 'tache, making me look a little bit more like Poirot than I am comfortable with, makes me a little sun-shy. So I now smother my neck and face with factor 50, regardless of the weather.

3# Despite the fact that it is June, there is no sunshine.

So having purchased some very nice dresses for summer, I allowed myself to be persuaded by my husband (not something that happens often) that a tan would be the perfect accessory.

Having located a nice local salon, which is a task in itself when you live in the middle of nowhere, I popped along to have my patch test, and was given very strict instructions that I was to arrive with no make-up (eek!), no deoderant (ewwww!), and that I should be freshly waxed and exfoliated, and to wear loose clothing.

So this Saturday, complete with a pulsing migraine that was threatening to expel the eyeballs from my head, I found myself in the surreal situation of standing starkers, apart from a thong, having my 'tricky bits' lightly moisturised by a complete stranger, while discussing the weather.

After all the joints were oiled, so to speak, I was placed in front of an industrial extractor fan, with paper flippers stuck to my feet, and sprayed from top to toe in the manner of a decayed fence in need of a heavy coat of creosote.

Now I have a theory that they put some kind of mind altering drug in spray tan. Despite having a total fear of turning orange, when I was invited to admire the result in the mirror, the first though that actually entered my head was 'I could have gone darker'.

That was until the salon owner, with a deft flick of the wrist, and totally without warning, pulled down the top of my thong and revealed the now two-tone Tweedy. The very small part of me that had remained hidden from the tan was a colour that could only be described as 'thing that had been left in the water too long', the greater portion was a much more attractive 'rich tea biscuit'.

Now came the tricky bit, not touching water for at least eight hours while the tan developed. Fortunately I had made an evening appointment, which meant that hubby had to put the Tweedlings to bed, cook the dinner, do late stables, sort the dog out, and do Tiny Tweedling's bottle, while all I had to do was sip wine, eat my tea, and (much to my disgust) go to bed without having a wash.

There's no denying it, the next morning I looked like an Oompa Loompa freshly returned from two weeks in the Caribbean. I popped down to the stables to let the horses out before having my shower, and both of them did a double take. No one is quite sure whether or not horses can see in colour, but I'm now fairly sure that they can differentiate between 'orange human' and 'normal human'.

Thankfully this was just the 'guide colour' and it all washed off when I could finally and gratefully jump into the shower. So much to my surprise, and the triumphant smugness of my husband (that will have to stop), I actually really like my spray tan. It looks really natural, I look healthy for possibly the first time in my life, and I won't have to be scared of blinding people with the glare from my bare legs!

Suffice to say, I will be booking in for another one in a couple of weeks, so will definately be spraying it again!